Transitions to Gray

There are many things in life that we cannot control.  For the things we have no control over, we have ways to change them or cover them. We can change our eye color with colored contacts. We can change the color of our skin by tanning or adding makeup. We can also color, cut and style our hair.

I have been coloring my hair for nearly 30 years. That is a lot of money, chemicals and time. I started seeing gray hairs beginning at age 12 or 13.

Thankfully my hairdresser does not charge the same amount that some salons charge.  I can remember thinking that when I'm 40 I will stop coloring my hair (I guess I thought I would be old enough to sport the gray). Forty came and went. No way was I going to stop coloring my hair!

When I turned 50, I thought about it, but quickly decided against it. For some reason, at age 53, I decided it was time. I was actually almost 54. So in November, 2014, I had my last color.

I have to be honest. There have been days that I almost called my hairdresser and asked for a color appointment. But I am going to be strong and wait this out.  This has to be the most difficult part. The patch of silver atop my head not matching the rest of my hair, has me paranoid.  I think everyone is looking at it!  Maybe that's because I notice it on others.

I have been trying to rush the process by having my hair cut and highlighted. This has been very helpful and very eye opening.  I am shocked at how white the hair is. I am hoping that once all the hair color has grown out or cut off, that I will be able to grow it back to the length it was before. Not long, but not too short. I have been busy looking at hair styles to find the right one for me.  Stay tuned for the final picture!

Last color

Six weeks

Nine weeks

Week 13

It looks like there is not much color left in the back. With each trim, I am getting closer. My next step will be in 4 weeks when I will get another trim and a highlight to try to blend the longer hair on top. Hopefully this will blend my natural gray and the colored hair.

Week 17

Week 24

View from above! Wow is is white up there.

Still a lot of color to grow out, and I confess that I struggle with patience. Nearly six months have passed and it seems like it is taking forever!  However, when I feel like I just want to go and get it colored, I realize I am getting closer and don't really want to be a slave to hair color again.

week 26

I can hardly believe it has been six months!  It really helps me to look back and see the progress. I called my hairdresser a couple weeks before my next scheduled cut and had her trim up my sides. I still get surprised when I look in the mirror, but hopefully I will get used to this new me. My daughter came over the other day and said that it still surprises her when she sees me. I really had hoped that the color would have grown out more quickly, but I am getting more accustomed to this new look. I thought I was a patient person, but....

Week 30

I am almost there! After I got my last cut, I have only a small amount of color left, maybe an inch, that will need to be cut.  I will get another cut in about 6-8 weeks and hopefully that will be the end of my artificial hair color.  At that point I will let it grow a bit, back to something similar to what I have had in the past.  As difficult as this has been, I can't imagine doing it any other way. Adjusting to the variety of colors and hair cuts have been a challenge for me, but this transitional journey will soon end. I'm looking forward to the end of the journey and maybe not being so surprised to se my reflection in the mirror.

Week 37

Well, from the front, all trace of color is gone. I still have color on the end of the longer hair in the back, but in a few weeks I will be free of all color! I think I will wait to post my last photo. That will be when there is no color and I will have some length back. Looking forward to the end of the journey and discovering what style to go with. After growing it some, I may change my mind and cut it again. But isn't that the great thing about hair? It will grow again if we change our mind.

Lyme Disease

Reggie has now been diagnosed with Lyme Disease. With this comes many challenges. A series of a couple antibiotics for at least 3 months as well as a gluten free and sugar free diet.  He has been told that as the antiobiotics do their job, there will be increased pain. Seeing the pain he is currently in, it is hard to imagine him in more pain. Prayer will be much appreciated. As far as the Fibromyalgia, this may be in addition to Lyme or may have actually led to Fibromyalgia. Only time will tell. Through all of this we know God is in control and we will trust Him. Amazing doctor in Kennebunk, thanks to a friend's suggestion. 

New Year

I usually have the common resolutions, but there are a few things that I really want to work on. I desire to know God better. Not just read my Bible, but study it. I would like to journal so I can look back and see what I need to work on, how God has answered prayers, and just a place to unload.

There are a lot of things I would like to see happen this year. One would be seeing my husband pace himself with his Fibromyalgia. It is so difficult for a man to accept the changes that fibromyalgia has made to his life.  It is equally difficult for me to watch.

I want to take care of the body that God has given me. I want to eat healthy and stay away from artificial stuff. Get off my but and back to the Y!  We were blessed to have raised chickens, a pig and fresh eggs daily. This helps to eat more naturally.

I want to have a joy filled spirit that flows over in all I do and say. I want to be a better wife, mother, nana and daughter. But most of all, I want to please my Creator.

Fibromyalgia - the view from my side

Have you seen my husband?  You know, the man I married 33 years ago?  Well, I know where he is, but some days I don't recognize him at all.  The man I married was strong, fun and never seemed to tire.  He actually enjoyed physical labor.  he didn't like to go on vacations because it meant he couldn't work on some project or vehicle.  He took care of almost everything from the yard and home repairs as well as all of our car repairs.

Beginning over two years ago, I began to see a new man.  He is unable to do most of the things he did before in the same way.  He can still do home and yard work, but at a very different pace.  He can also do some vehicle repair, but most repairs are done at a repair shop.  Usually the work results in a day of pain the next day.

Some days I get really angry.  I try not to get angry with my husband, but sometimes I just can't help it.  I know it is not him, but the Fibromyalgia, but it is very frustrating as a spouse.  I feel like Fibromyalgia has robbed me of my husband.  Not just me, but our children and grandchildren.

We no longer make firm plans.  Everything is subject to change.  There are times I will go somewhere that we were invited to attend together.  I argue with myself before going.  I would rather not go if I have to go alone, but on the other hand, I hate to miss out on things.  It's hard to go to gatherings with friends if I have to go alone. We always went together. There are times we go out together and it is so good.  Almost like he doesn't have Fibromyalgia.  then we get in the car and he tells me how he needs to get home and into bed. You can only put on the "I'm OK" face for so long.

This is not so much a blog about me having a "pity party", although at times it may be exactly that, but a view into the life of a spouse that has Fibromyalgia.  I am not the one suffering with daily pain, fatigue and depression, but to a small degree I experience it as his partner of 33 years.  When you have been with someone that long, you can't help but feel their pain.  It truly breaks my heart.  This pain stops him from fully doing all he was able to do before the invasion of Fibromyalgia.

Some of the questions I hear from my husband are "Do you really think I have Fibromyalgia?", "Brenda, what is wrong with me?", "Will I ever get better?", and "What am I going to do with my life?".  My answer is always "You have Fibromyalgia" and "I don't know, but God has a plan".

Two plus years with Fibromyalgia is not a long time, but when you think about the fact that he has worked since he was 15 or 16 years old and is now almost 53, it is easy to understand some of the fears.  His life as he knew it has changed.  How do you register this in your head?  I can only imagine.  In his mind, all that defined him as a man is what he could do, how he could provide for his family and all the other things like hunting, fishing, wrestling with the grandchildren, etc.  The pain, discomfort, fatigue and depression have stolen his desire to do the activities he once loved.  Sometimes he will go hunting, but the cold damp air, walking on uneven ground and sitting, waiting in the cold all take their toll.  It is painful to watch.  I am helpless.  I try to comfort him, but there is nothing I can do to take this from him.

This is a learning process, a new journey.  One we would never have chosen, but never the less, it is here.  The lessons are hard and I'm not sure they will ever be mastered.  There is progress along the way and lessons learned.  Steps forward and then steps back.

The most important result of all this, is that our walk with the Lord and each other has become closer.  We know that God is in control and that He has a plan.  We are trusting Him and looking for the path He has set before us.

We both have so much to learn on this journey.  Things like asking for help with the winter's wood or fixing a vehicle are hard for him, but he knows he can't do it alone.  Ecclesiastes 4:12 "a cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart".  I love that.  God has created us to rely on Him first and also on each other.  There is strength that can be drawn from working together.

Please pray for us as we walk this journey day by day and thank you for taking the time to read what is in my heart.
(PS - this was posted with my husband's permission)

Separation Anxiety

For about 7 weeks we have had our 4 turkeys in the same building as our 9 hens. For the most part they have been divided by a wire fence.  However, few of the hens like to fly over the fence to be with the turkeys. We bought them at the same time and they have been raised together for weeks. Since turkeys need a different type of feed, they had to be separated.

The biggest reason they have stayed together this long is lack of space. Our 50 meat birds have found a new home in our freezer, so their home has been renovated for the turkeys.  Well the big move was last evening. I now know what a sad and distressed turkey sounds like. Those turkeys were so noisy! Hopefully they will recover soon and enjoy their new home...until November, that is...

The hens, on the other hand, appear to very content to have the entire henhouse.

This is before. There is a wire fence between the hens and turkeys.

New adventures

I'm so excited and looking forward to what "lays" ahead with our hens.  This is our first time having hens and so far I am really enjoying them. We have no eggs yet, but they are still young.  We have three Golden Reds and six Rhode Island Reds.  When I go out to see them, the Golden Reds come to the fence and "talk" to me.  The Rhode Island Reds are a few weeks younger and they like to run back and forth in their fenced in yard. They each have a nesting box in the henhouse, but the three older hens share one nesting box at night! Hopefully once they start laying, they will use their own boxes.   On the right are our 4 turkeys.  As you can see, turkeys love to eat grass.

Another year has arrived and with it a time for reflection. How was last year? What can be changed this year? Some things remain. I always have the desire to make some changes in my life. This year I want to concentrate on how I can help others more and not focus on myself so much. I want to be a better wife, mother and friend. Mosts of all I want to please Jesus.

Maybe this blog will help me be accountable for my efforts. Hopefully I will not let this year end with feelings that I could have done something that I let pass me by. A few years ago, I kept saying that I didn't want to look back at my life and regret that I didn't try something that I really wanted to do. Sometimes I will hold back from doing something because of fear that I will fail or be rejected for trying. I must not let these fears keep me from the desires of my heart.

I hope you will also live your life without regrets. As long as I live for Christ, I believe that He will place in my heart the desires that He longs to see me fulfill.