Have you seen my husband? You know, the man I married 33 years ago? Well, I know where he is, but some days I don't recognize him at all. The man I married was strong, fun and never seemed to tire. He actually enjoyed physical labor. he didn't like to go on vacations because it meant he couldn't work on some project or vehicle. He took care of almost everything from the yard and home repairs as well as all of our car repairs.
Beginning over two years ago, I began to see a new man. He is unable to do most of the things he did before in the same way. He can still do home and yard work, but at a very different pace. He can also do some vehicle repair, but most repairs are done at a repair shop. Usually the work results in a day of pain the next day.
Some days I get really angry. I try not to get angry with my husband, but sometimes I just can't help it. I know it is not him, but the Fibromyalgia, but it is very frustrating as a spouse. I feel like Fibromyalgia has robbed me of my husband. Not just me, but our children and grandchildren.
We no longer make firm plans. Everything is subject to change. There are times I will go somewhere that we were invited to attend together. I argue with myself before going. I would rather not go if I have to go alone, but on the other hand, I hate to miss out on things. It's hard to go to gatherings with friends if I have to go alone. We always went together. There are times we go out together and it is so good. Almost like he doesn't have Fibromyalgia. then we get in the car and he tells me how he needs to get home and into bed. You can only put on the "I'm OK" face for so long.
This is not so much a blog about me having a "pity party", although at times it may be exactly that, but a view into the life of a spouse that has Fibromyalgia. I am not the one suffering with daily pain, fatigue and depression, but to a small degree I experience it as his partner of 33 years. When you have been with someone that long, you can't help but feel their pain. It truly breaks my heart. This pain stops him from fully doing all he was able to do before the invasion of Fibromyalgia.
Some of the questions I hear from my husband are "Do you really think I have Fibromyalgia?", "Brenda, what is wrong with me?", "Will I ever get better?", and "What am I going to do with my life?". My answer is always "You have Fibromyalgia" and "I don't know, but God has a plan".
Two plus years with Fibromyalgia is not a long time, but when you think about the fact that he has worked since he was 15 or 16 years old and is now almost 53, it is easy to understand some of the fears. His life as he knew it has changed. How do you register this in your head? I can only imagine. In his mind, all that defined him as a man is what he could do, how he could provide for his family and all the other things like hunting, fishing, wrestling with the grandchildren, etc. The pain, discomfort, fatigue and depression have stolen his desire to do the activities he once loved. Sometimes he will go hunting, but the cold damp air, walking on uneven ground and sitting, waiting in the cold all take their toll. It is painful to watch. I am helpless. I try to comfort him, but there is nothing I can do to take this from him.
This is a learning process, a new journey. One we would never have chosen, but never the less, it is here. The lessons are hard and I'm not sure they will ever be mastered. There is progress along the way and lessons learned. Steps forward and then steps back.
The most important result of all this, is that our walk with the Lord and each other has become closer. We know that God is in control and that He has a plan. We are trusting Him and looking for the path He has set before us.
We both have so much to learn on this journey. Things like asking for help with the winter's wood or fixing a vehicle are hard for him, but he knows he can't do it alone. Ecclesiastes 4:12 "a cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart". I love that. God has created us to rely on Him first and also on each other. There is strength that can be drawn from working together.
Please pray for us as we walk this journey day by day and thank you for taking the time to read what is in my heart.
(PS - this was posted with my husband's permission)
